why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
Randomize
