There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
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