He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
