HIV tests are more positive than that guy
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
It's cool dude. The dank is in the form of premade smores with honey grahm crackers, marshmallow cream and 420 brand choc. bars. NV weed laws have nothing on me.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
Watching Supernatural does more for me sexually than the physical encounters with 90% of the men in my life.
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
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