Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
oh but the power of the cock will take you to places you never been..i flew to hawaii once to sleep witha chick
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize
