Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
Randomize
