I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
My hand turned me down
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Randomize
