yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
Randomize
