i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
Randomize
