so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
tequila makes me forget i have legs
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
WHAT IS ALL THIS WATER BOTTLE FLIPPING NONSENSE? WHAT IS LIT?
YOUTHS.
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
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