I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
My Higher Power is John Stamos
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
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