When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
