Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
