You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
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