I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
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