The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
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