I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
sometimes i wish i had a whole other life to spend on youtube
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
And people are going to start dressing like that in public, it's just ridiculous, the goths and now the GAGAs
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Dicks are not precious.
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
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