Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Randomize
