She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
Randomize
