He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
Randomize
