my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
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