i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
i just remember that i was on top of him and he wasnt contributing to the event much.. god i hope he wasnt asleap.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
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