Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
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