Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
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