Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
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