My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
you really need to stop walk of shaming home from theme parties.
Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
Randomize
