Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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