Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
