he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
and she is using the paper towels as a pillow... but you know what? i've done that too.. so u can really tell we are sisters.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
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