where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
How do you wash franks red hot sauce, whip cream, grapejuice and shame out of silk?
I would just throw it away. You cant just wash out shame, it has to soak for like a month.
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
Randomize
