it was nice. we just kind of hung out. she didnt even mention the farting incident.
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Randomize
