I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
Lets go hit some boners bro!
I appreciate the acceptance and inclusion, but that's not how we gay men talk.
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
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