3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
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