i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Randomize
