He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
