it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
Thanksgiving. A stoners favorite holiday
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
We are two peas in an std pod
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
Randomize
