nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
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