the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
Oh i forgot. I hit on a mentally challenged girl too.
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
Randomize
