I thidmdmk you'gre a special person
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
Randomize
