They should really pass out barf bags in church
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
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