I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
Also they do not have any come back to america, i miss my fuck buddy cards at Hallmark.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
Randomize
