Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
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