It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
