I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
Randomize
