I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
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