hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
