oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
Randomize
