i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
Dude i just saw JT leaving the hospital. He drove there to get fluids because he was too drunk, so they hooked him up to an IV so he didn't get alcohol poisoning. Did I mention he drove there? Oh yea and our roommates in the hospital with alcohol poisoning, she just puked up coal. So many ppl are here, it's like a hospital party, I love spring quarter!
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
Randomize
