All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
Randomize
