Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
Randomize
