I am in a vortex of obligation.
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
Randomize
