im drinking this country out of the recession.
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
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