last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Randomize
