he thinks he's going to hurt your feelings
He can't hurt my feelings
I don't have feelings.
I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
