Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
i want to have as much fun as i did last weekend. but plus the condom and minus the fear.
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
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