Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
Randomize
